As the rain comes down this week the sky’s are grey and the energy is heavy. I have been feel- ing like it is time to go deeper, to penetrate the depths of my darkness. I have been sitting in the discomfort of this thought not sure where to start, not worried about being vulnerable but unsure as to where to begin. The depths deserve more then a “poke”, like the deepest depths of the ocean, our inner darkness deserves as much exploration as our light.
Leaning into vulnerability is one thing. Being open to vulnerability is empowering. It’s how we grow. It is not a sign of weakness but of strength. Without being vulnerable we can not give ourselves permission to look within.
This past week I have gone within and looked at what needs to be shared and three things have come into the light.
Shame, depression and abuse.
They are separate and yet interwoven together. By sharing them we shine light on all three of them, illuminating them and strengthening ourselves. Making a conscious choice to live in the light.
When you think of something that you feel shame about, what is your first instinct? To hold it close, to push it deep within and to avoid the emotion. We forget that shame, like all the other emotions, is just an emotion. By speaking about it out loud we release the pressure; we bring it out into the light and we take back our control of it.
My shame revolves around my marriage and my current relationship with my ex-husband. Even though I know the relationship was crucial in my life for the lessons it gave me, and still does. I know of the strength that it has given me. I still hold shame that I gave so much of my power, of who I was, away. Slowly over time I went from the vibrant, shining light of a person that I truly am and I allowed the negativity, verbal and mental abuse to wither me away. I don’t blame my ex-husband for this, he is who he is, he has his own lessons to learn, but I hold shame that I gave that power to him.
For ten years of my life, like a flower without water, like a desert without rain; I withered. I be- came a shell of who I am and I gave away my power. The shame that I hold for this, sits deep within me.
Now six years after leaving, after taking the first step back to myself I am ready to shine the brilliance of my light on the shame. I know that in doing so it releases the heaviness, empowering myself to be the light and love that I am. That we all are.
We all experience events, situations and thoughts that cause us shame. We, like all beings, have both light and dark within us. When we shine our light on the darkness we are accepting this part of us, we are choosing to be the light, and in doing so we shine brighter.
I know this sounds difficult, that the fear of being that vulnerable is scary, but here is the thing. There is no right or wrong in this growth, you are the creator of your life. You can be a jumper, like I am, and just do it. Or you can take your time, take small steps and do it over time. We will both get to the destination, the healing and release happens both ways. The path is yours to decide; take one step and then another, one foot in front of the next and shine your light on shame.